The Manwife Chronicles

Worse than the sound of the kids arguing is their silence.

“WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING UP THERE?”

“NOTHING!”

We all know what ‘nothing’ is code for – I’m peeing on something. Or drawing on it. Or flushing Mr. Fluffers down the toilet. I think that pretty much covers all the possibilities.

Now that I think about it, I don’t care what they’re doing up there. Just as long as they’re not bothering me. Or setting something on fire. Luckily, they’re too young for the fire phase, or so I think. The fire phase scares me more than any aspect of parenting. I remember when I went through the fire phase. Hell, I’m still in it.

When I was a kid I saw a documentary on how they blow fire in the circus. This is what scares me about the Internet. If, back then, I was able to get ideas from the “Today” show, these two will be firing home-made rockets from their shoulders.

Fire blowing is surprisingly simple. So simple you can do it at home. They blow kerosene and coat their faces with some stuff (that’s the scientific term for it, by the way.) to prevent their face from melting. I’m like 13 and think, “Hey, I can do that. I’ll just use rubbing alcohol and wet down my face.”

Surprisingly, that went pretty well. I held a match out at arm’s length and blew. A nice little flame was produced, and no one was injured. But I didn’t think there was enough fire. So I went for the gasoline.

First off, you don’t put gas in your mouth. Like … EVER. It’s amazing that alone didn’t cause me to just pass out. Never mind putting it in your mouth and trying to light it on fire, but I was safe. I went outside.

I did the same thing as before. I wet down my face, because, you know, that’s going to keep my face from catching on fire. I hold the match at arms length and blow.

This time all I see is a giant fire ball rolling back towards my face. All I remember thinking was, “HOLY SHIT,” and then I closed my eyes.

When the flame went out, and I could tell it was out because my face was no longer on fire, I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn’t.

“HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! I’M BLIND! I’M BLIND! I BLEW FIRE AND NOW I’M BLIND!”

Now I’m outside, mind you. In winter. In the dark. So it was really nice of my neighbors to come out and extinguish my face. However, seeing how I annoyed the crap out of them, they were probably glad my face was on fire.

I then had to take my hands and literally pry open my eyes. The fireball had melted my eyelashes shut. It was one of the dumbest things I’ve done in my life. I’m sitting here trying to think of something dumber, but nothing comes to mind. Nope, that may have been it.

So I’m deathly afraid of what will happen when these two reach the fire phase. Every kid goes through it.

So when I hear “nothing” is going on, I know they’re doing something completely wrong. I should know, I invented “nothing.” I should probably add that to my resume. Employers like to see initiative.