This weekend was my eleventh wedding anniversary, and we lived out our fantasy. We got a hotel room two miles down the road, and did … nothing.
I laid on a bed full of twenty pillows and we didn’t touch one another. Let me tell you. That don’t touch me birth control method is effective.
There were no arguing kids to wake us up. No kids banging on the bathroom door asking me what I’m doing. It’s the bathroom. What do you think I’m doing, writing poetry? Although, folk songs have been written about me when I shower. But that is neither here nor there.
I had no responsibilities. It was awesome. I could jump on the bed if I wanted to. And I did, and then promptly threw out my back.
I could sleep as late as I wanted. I woke up at 9:30. I forgot that sleeping until Noon thing takes practice.
We laid around, watched crappy television and did NOTHING. That’s true love.
Everyone thinks their kid is a genius. Then you catch them doing this.
Then you take a picture, post it on the Internets, and without fail, someone thinks you’re the idiot.
While putting a placing a plastic bag over your head is not a brilliant idea, I’m not sure it’s an epidemic. The only data I can find on kids suffocating is on infants and preschool-aged kids, which makes sense. They don’t even know their arms are connected to their body. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure a six-year-old can escape the death grip of a plastic bag should danger strike. This is the problem with the Internet. Anyone can just make crap up. Have you been to Facebook lately? I read Obama is going to turn the White House into a pyramid.
I’m calling BS on this lady.
Do you know how quickly a child can asphyxiate themselves like this? The fact that you are standing there taking a pic is a little scary!
Really? Really! It’s not like I took a picture of her juggling loaded weapons.
She’s six. She’ll take it off her head. If it becomes self-aware and strangles her I’m pretty sure she can rip it.
I have a friend who’s daughter was 9 and did this she inhaled and panicked!! She could not get it off because she freaked out. Just saying god forbid if she did it and you were not there.
I’m sorry, that kid is an idiot.
The answer is that child asphyxiation is a subtle danger that tends to sneak up on kids. Once children have put themselves into a dangerous situation, each breath brings in a little less oxygen and a little more carbon dioxide, but it doesn’t happen all at once. It’s not as though a child is instantly gasping for breath. This oxygen deprivation can build to a critical point without the child’s awareness…
It’s true. Morgan Freeman said it. But I’m a man of science, and in science we use the scientific method. So I ran a little experiment and put a bag over my head. I couldn’t tell you what happened because my face got hot after ten minutes and I had to take it off.
Holy crap! I never knew. Thank you for sharing this with me. I hope I’m not the only one benefiting from this advice. I really dodged a bullet there. I’m now going to make sure the kids don’t drown on the garden hose.
I want to run for office simply so I can outlaw stupid bullshit, and door-to-door sales. Although, I don’t think my campaign slogan of, “Shut the F*** up and Do Something,” would go over too well. So for fun let’s just pretend I was elected. Here’s what I would do in office. Hey, it’s good to have dreams.
I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up
If you block a store aisle with one of those motorized carts it would be required that someone push you out of it. I’m about done with some person, able-bodied or not, parked diagonally in the aisle.
Thou Shall Not Wear Pants
All pants shall be illegal. Mostly because I don’t want to be bothered to put mine on.
Shall be served every Tuesday.
Running Over People
Under my empire not only would you be able to run over clueless drivers, you would be given an insurance discount for weeding out bad drivers, and a medal. This law would also apply to pedestrians who walk in parking lots like they own it. You’re not allowed to kill them, but you can bump them. Maybe break their leg. That’ll teach them to step out from behind a car without looking.
Let’s just be honest, they’re useless. It’s just a way for management to deny you a raise because you aren’t smiling enough at your desk. Handing out annual self-evaluations would be punishable by water boarding. WTF do you think I’m going to write?
“I do a mediocre job, and you would be better severed by replacing me with a college graduate who will work for less under the delusion that they can go somewhere.”
I’d just make the entire department illegal. Mostly because I still don’t know what they do. I’m pretty sure they spend most of their day making stuff up that sounds REALLY important. Mostly I think management keeps them around because they don’t know what they do either, but don’t fire them because who else is going to coordinate a day of sexual harassment training and trust falls.
Don’t Bother Me
If someone approaches you at a store entrance you would be legally allowed to choke them out. I just want to buy brushes for my toilet wand. Leave me alone.