The Manwife Chronicles

From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: swindmeyer@windmeyer.com
Date: Thur, Sep 29, 2011 9:57 am
Subject: Starting Monday

Dear Mr. Windmeyer,

I haven’t heard back from your company since I interviewed two months ago. Since this isn’t a rejection, it clearly means you were so overwhelmed by my talents and can’t come to a consensus on an offer. Let me put your mind at ease.

I will work for quality toilet paper and decent restroom facilities. I have a medical condition. Being unemployed has given me a new perspective on the important things in life – like two-ply and indoor plumbing. That discount stuff I get at Costco by the truck load is getting old.

With that said, I accept my offer to you and will start on Monday. I look forward to working with you, and a life of reduced chafing.

Sincerely,

David

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From: swindmeyer@windmeyer.com
To: david@themanwifechronicles.com
Date: Friday, Sep 30, 2011 7:44 am
Subject: Re: Starting Monday

David,

Please contact our HR department to ask about the status of your interview.

Thanks,

Scott

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From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: swindmeyer@windmeyer.com
Date: Fri, Sep 30, 2011 9:34 am
Subject: Re: Starting Monday

Scott… I can call you Scott, right? I feel like we’ve grown so close since this exchange. If we’re going to be colleagues on Monday, we really need to get more comfortable with one another.

I’ve called HR for the past two months. You may want to go check in on them down there. One of those trust falls may have gone horribly wrong.

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From: swindmeyer@windmeyer.com
To: david@themanwifechronicles.com
Date: Friday, Sep 30, 2011 10:02 am
Subject: Re: Starting Monday

I’m sorry you haven’t heard back. I’m sure that if you keep on trying someone will get back to you. They’re probably just busy.

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From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: swindmeyer@windmeyer.com
Date: Fri, Sep 30, 2011 10:18 am
Subject: Re: Starting Monday

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Scott, let’s hold on a minute here. You’re not going to fool me with your slick MBA talk. I once almost took a correspondence MBA course. This is what we call in MBA correspondence school as ‘blowing people off’.

While I’m sure HR is busy asking people about their feelings, I’m busy too you know. I had to put two different straws into pouches of Capri Suns for the kid’s snacks today. Have you ever tried that? That material is almost worse than those twisty tie things they put on kid’s toys. And nothing will make you feel dumber than trying to open a kid’s toy.

I’m sure it’s just an oversight, and I’ll straighten it out with them when I’m there on Monday.

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From: swindmeyer@windmeyer.com
To: david@themanwifechronicles.com
Date: Friday, Sep 30, 2011 10:21 am
Subject: Re: Starting Monday

You do not work here. Do not show up at the office.

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From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: swindmeyer@windmeyer.com
Date: Fri, Sep 30, 2011 10:28 am
Subject: Re: Starting Monday

Scott,

I’m going to need that in a letter from HR.

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From: swindmeyer@windmeyer.com
To: david@themanwifechronicles.com
Date: Friday, Sep 30, 2011 10:33 am
Subject: Re: Starting Monday

I’m telling you now. You do not have a job with this company. If you persist on pursuing this path, I will have you arrested for trespassing.

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From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: swindmeyer@windmeyer.com
Date: Fri, Sep 30, 2011 10:35 am
Subject: Re: Starting Monday

No you can’t. I don’t have a rejection letter from HR. And, while I would appreciate a police escort on the first day, I think it would send the wrong message to the rest of the employes.

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From: swindmeyer@windmeyer.com
To: david@themanwifechronicles.com
Date: Friday, Sep 30, 2011 10:36 am
Subject: Re: Starting Monday

DO NOT SHOW UP HERE! You are not an employee.

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From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: swindmeyer@windmeyer.com
Date: Fri, Sep 30, 2011 10:39 am
Subject: Re: Starting Monday

Scott,

I think this discussion would be much easier in person. My fingers are getting tired, and I wouldn’t want to get carpel tunnel syndrome before my first day of work. Then you have to pay me disability, and, really, that’s what us management types call a ‘lose/lose’ situation. Correspondence school, Scott, correspondence school.

Hope you have a great weekend. I look forward to seeing you on Monday.

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