The Manwife Chronicles

The problem with stupid people is that there is no one to eat them. I say we bring back dinosaurs. You release a velociraptor in a WalMart that’ll be the last time someone blocks the middle of the aisle.

But we don’t have any natural predators, which means stupid will just keep reproducing. This is exactly the problem with birth control. It’s used by smart, responsible people. Exactly the ones we want having babies. You can literally sit back, and observe this process happening in public.

Nature’s solution to parking lots. Go ahead. You just take your time pulling out of that space.

This past spring the girl (my daughter) was admitted to the emergency room for possible appendicitis. Don’t worry, everything was fine. Turns out it was just really bad gas. While we were in the ER the boy next to us was moaning like he was trying to pass a tractor trailer from his anus. I walked by to see him laying on his side, doubled over, holding his stomach. I’m walking around trying to give nurses that look. You know, that look where you try to say something with your eyes. I was trying to say, “Hey, am I the only one hearing this? You might want to check that kid out.” Although, I think I may have confused that look with the, “You want to come over to my place and we’ll make a pillow fort,” look.

As the night moves on, I overheard the nurses talking to the boy’s mother, who, by the way, is dressed like a moderately priced hooker. She’s not dressed like one of those discount hookers, but she isn’t exactly Eliot Spitzer class either. The boy had been given an enema because he was constipated. That’s right. He couldn’t shit.

The nurses had to explain to his mother that you need water, and that you can’t live off of french fries and cheese doodles. She had broken his ass. How dumb do you have to be to fuck up an involuntary function? You don’t even have to do anything and that will still work. You have to either be so stupid, or try really hard to ruin your kid’s shitting. If you were to do absolutely nothing raising your child their entire life. The one thing they could still do is shit. And you messed it up.

The problem is that, one day, this poor child is going to grow up thinking that this is how you raise children. Because she’s an idiot. And her kid is going to grow up to be an idiot, and his kids will be idiots, and we’re going to have generations full of idiots all because we don’t have something to eat them.