The Manwife Chronicles

From: ‘Peter Bentley’
To: ‘David Kaa’
Date: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 1:16 PM
Subject: Blog

I was reading your blog. You really need to take some of those posts down. No one is going to hire you with that attitude.

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From: ‘David Kaa’
To: ‘Peter Bentley’
Date: Tue, January 17, 2012 1:27 PM
Subject: Blog

Thanks for the advice. You are absolutely right. I’m going to try something more positive instead. Like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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From: ‘Peter Bentley’
To: ‘David Kaa’
Date: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 1:29 PM
Subject: Blog

You can’t keep putting this type of stuff up there. Employers are looking for any reason they can to eliminate you. Don’t give them a reason.

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From: ‘David Kaa’
To: ‘Peter Bentley’
Date: Tue, January 17, 2012 1:30 PM
Subject: Blog

I think I gave them a reason to hire me – I’m smiling. That’s much better than I use to do. Usually I frown when giving the finger. No one likes a frowny face. I think I’m showing some real progress here, Peter. It’s all about the baby steps.

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From: ‘Peter Bentley’
To: ‘David Kaa’
Date: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 1:33 PM
Subject: Blog

This is exactly the attitude I’m talking about. You’re a real talented writer. I would hate to see you lose out on opportunities because of what you’re posting.

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From: ‘David Kaa’
To: ‘Peter Bentley’
Date: Tue, January 17, 2012 1:47 PM
Subject: Blog

Ok, How about this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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From: ‘Peter Bentley’
To: ‘David Kaa’
Date: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 1:49 PM
Subject: Blog

I love your sense of humor. I really do. But not everyone else does. Don’t go posting pictures of yourself giving the middle finger. I don’t care what you’re doing in them. Don’t do it! EVER!

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From: ‘David Kaa’
To: ‘Peter Bentley’
Date: Tue, January 17, 2012 1:56 PM
Subject: Blog

Pete,

I’ve been spending the last seven minutes thinking about what you said, and you’re right. Not everyone is going to “get” me. I understand you’re just trying to help. I don’t want to stop blogging altogether. It’s something I really enjoy, and as you said, it highlights my writing talents. It also keeps me from swallowing my tongue after I come to the metaphysical realization that laundry never ends.

Actually, it’s not even metaphysical. It never really ends. Unless you’re dead. Or become a nudist. You know, seeing that I never leave the house or the car, I’m thinking pants aren’t really necessary. No one is ever going to see me below the waist.

But I digress. I need to find a way to highlight my skills in a more “can do” manner. What do you think of this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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From: ‘Peter Bentley’
To: ‘David Kaa’
Date: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 2:02 PM
Subject: Blog

Obviously you don’t care about putting food on the table for your kids. I would think that after 2 years of searching you would get the hint. No one is going to hire you if you keep this up.

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From: ‘David Kaa’
To: ‘Peter Bentley’
Date: Tue, January 17, 2012 2:11 PM
Subject: Blog

Look, I added the Terminator Robot. Those movies were really popular. I bet he could really help me in my job search.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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From: ‘Peter Bentley’
To: ‘David Kaa’
Date: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 2:19 PM
Subject: Blog

I’m ironing my shirt the other day, with an actual iron not the man iron – a drier, when the phone rings.

Last week I had two job interviews. Either things were starting to look up, or this was going to be the cruelest joke ever. At one of the interviews I found out that I was one of six. Out of over 300 applicants. I should have quit right there. I’d already won.

“Hello.”

“Hi David, I hate to be the bearer of bad news.”

“Ok.”

“We are going to have to cancel your interview tomorrow. We have decided to offer the position to another applicant.”

“But I just figured out how these button-down shirts work.”

Less than 24 hours before a final interview and they cancel. I’m pretty sure there is some sort of discrimination going on here. I mean, I can’t imagine any other reason not to hire me. My winning smile. My positive attitude, and ability to look good standing in your office. Clearly they just don’t want to hire me because I have pooper disease. As soon as you ask about the strength of their plumbing, they’re on to you.

It’s profiling. I’m telling you. They see us glutards and think that we’re going to steal all their toilet paper. Although, depending on what I eat, it can make me a lot less productive.

I think it’s about time we stand up against this. There needs to be some sort of walk-a-thon to put an end to this crap. No, not my crap. The discrimination crap. You should give me money for my crap. It won’t solve anything, but it sure makes me feel better when I’m sitting on the toilet, losing feeling in my legs.

From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: ‘Tom Weingartner’
Date: Mon, December 5, 2011 9:49 AM
Subject: Job Reference

Hey Tom,

I just wanted to give you the heads up that I put you down as a job reference.

Thanks in advance.

David

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From: ’Tom Weingardner’
Date: Monday, December 5, 2011 11:19 AM
To: David Kaa
Subject: RE: Job Reference

Dave,

I can’t give you a reference after how things ended. You need to remove my name as a reference.

Sorry,

Tom

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From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: ‘Tom Weingartner’
Date: Mon, December 5, 2011 11:24 AM
Subject: RE: Job Reference

It’s OK. I’ve forgiven you for that. It took me a lot of work and searching for my inner peace, but I’ve decided to move forward. And, for this reference, I think it’s the best decision I’ve made for you. You’re welcome.

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From: ’Tom Weingardner’
Date: Monday, December 5, 2011 11:36 AM
To: David Kaa
Subject: RE: Job Reference

Don’t be a smart ass. Just remove my name. You weren’t the best employee, and I can’t give you a reference.

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From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: ‘Tom Weingartner’
Date: Mon, December 5, 2011 11:46 AM
Subject: RE: Job Reference

It’s ok, Tom. You weren’t the best boss. I mean, it was clear that you didn’t properly motivate me. If you had, I would’ve  been a better employee. Yet, still, I persevered. You should probably mention that in your reference.

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From: ’Tom Weingardner’
Date: Monday, December 5, 2011 11:58 AM
To: David Kaa
Subject: RE: Job Reference

I can’t give you a reference.

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From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: ‘Tom Weingartner’
Date: Mon, December 5, 2011 12:03 PM
Subject: RE: Job Reference

Too late. I’ve already given them your number. Be sure to mention how I tried to sell the office toilet paper on eBay. It really highlights my entrepreneurial spirit.

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From: ’Tom Weingardner’
Date: Monday, December 5, 2011 12:12 PM
To: David Kaa
Subject: RE: Job Reference

You have to take it back. I would suggest you find someone who can better help your chances of landing a job.

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From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: ‘Tom Weingartner’
Date: Mon, December 5, 2011 12:21 PM
Subject: RE: Job Reference

You want me to take back your phone number? How am I suppose to do that if they already have it? Wait, do you have some kind of memory erasing device? Like in Men in Black? How could you keep such secrets from me? We had such a good relationship. There was that time I picked your kids up from school, and held your hair back when you were vomiting in the toilet. I … I just don’t know what to do now.

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From: ’Tom Weingardner’
Date: Monday, December 5, 2011 12:25 PM
To: David Kaa
Subject: RE: Job Reference

What are you talking about?

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From: david@themanwifechronicles.com
To: ‘Tom Weingartner’
Date: Mon, December 5, 2011 12:43 PM
Subject: RE: Job Reference

I don’t know. I’ve been drinking. You should probably think about what you’ve done to make me do this.