I didn't realize until the other day that I had been approved for unemployment. I never received any notification, they just started depositing money. Great, no complaints. I'll collect my government cheese and finish organizing my closet. Then, yesterday, I get a letter in the mail.

You have been approved for unemployment benefits. However, it is likely that you will need to attend reemployment training.

"Are you f&%*ing kidding me? I've been doing my job for over a decade and some seven dollar an hour High School drop out is going to tell me how to push a broom? I guess I could suck it up for an hour."

Your training could last up to six hours. With a four hour workshop on how to search for a job.

I've heard person after person tell me to just suck it up and do it. No, I'm busy. I have things to do. Like ... cleaning the bed skirt. I don't need someone to waste fours hours of my life, showing me how to go through the want ads. Besides, what are you going to train me on? There are no jobs. No, I'm not kidding. Literally, there are no jobs.

(If you do find me one, just leave a link in the comment section. My talents include cleaning, sexy Zac Efron hair and the ability to do nothing all day)

First of all, it's insulting. If I'm going to go to any training it's Grad School. Secondly, all that I have left is the delusion that I'm important. I may not be important, but all I have left at this point is fooling myself that I am. If I have to sit through training on how there are opportunities for me at the local Victoria's Secret call center, I'll hang myself. Only to realize there isn't a tree tall enough in this sand hole.

Look, I'm pretty much at an all time low. I watch Dora the Explorer all morning, and then paddle through the Rainy Rain Forest with a three-year-old girl as we search for Spanish-speaking crocodiles. I have given up on shaving and wearing pants because, well, there really isn't any point. And I clean messes all day. I don't need to face the reality of becoming a Junior Piss Mopper at the local Denny's.

So I'm going to keep my last shred of dignity. And if it costs me a check, I can always become the garbage man. Hey, they only work one day a week!